Are you repressed weak boy and want to be big strong man?

GOOD NEWS!

ICE IS HIRING!

EARN YOUR PARENTS APPROVAL

We know your own family doesn't even like you and that's good. We're looking for folks who resent immigrants because your family would never walk thousands of miles to give you a better life, in fact, your parents never even drove you to football practice. Your dad saw you as a burden and although he never said that, you always felt it. So, it's time to rip apart families that love each other and parents who sacrificed everything for the possibility of their children living a better life than them. Don't look inward at why your parents were unable to love you...blame others for daring to love their kids and break up those families! Hah! Now THOSE parents won't drive THOSE kids to football practice cause they'll be deported. It's a perfect plan.

FEEL STRONG LIKE HERO

Like a child dressing up like Superman on Halloween, you can dress up like a big strong boy and fulfill your dream of feeling like you're a big strong man! Yey! You were never liked in school and never particularly athletic, but now you get to feel big and strong with your big strong gun and big strong uniform! ICE has no standards for health, fitness, weight, and we especially don't care if you're violent, sad, or lonely. Finally, a government agency that meets you where you're at! And, you get a free gun! That's awesome! You're like that one guy from that cool action movie except instead of "saving the world" you'll be "arresting peaceful 42 year old moms with three kids who were actively in the process for a Green Card after they fled political and cartel violence." Awesome! You really are the hero!

WORK FOR #1 BEST COUNTRY

You are obsessed with a plot of land between two oceans and are alwyas like "America is the best country in the world" despite not owning a passport, thinking Chipotle is "ethnic food", and thinking Bad Bunny isn't American. We're looking for people who have a brain that is wired for a total lack of curiosity. Why are so many people immigrating here? BORING. How is the violence in their countries related to the USA? DONT CARE. How does our foreign policy impact immigration? GROSS. All those questions are totally useful and, in fact, unAmerican to ask!If you're ok with simple answers like "this country good, other country bad" and "my people good, other people bad" then this is the perfect job for you. Push away those precious books and apply today!

YOUR NEW JOB WILL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED:

MONEY & AN OUTLET FOR YOUR RACIST AGGRESSION

"Every empire requires thousands and thousands of working class men to follow orders blindly all to rip apart and hurt other working class people. The secret is to divide the working class while the billionaire President and his family get richer and richer.

Thank you for committing war crimes on behalf of the Billionaires of this country.

-Stephen Miller, Advisor to President Donald J. Trump

WE'RE GRATEFUL THAT YOU HAVE BEEN MANIPULATED TO BLAME YOUR ANGER ON IMMIGRANTS!

Remember our #1 rule: don't think too hard about anything we're doing!

UNCLE SAM IS HIRING AND IT NEEDS YOU!*

*SOMEONE WHO THINKS OUR BILLIONAIRE NY REAL ESTATE NEPO BABY PRESIDENT, WHO FACILITATED THE GREATEST TRANSFER OF WEALTH FROM THE MIDDLE CLASS TO THE BILLIONAIRE CLASS IN AMERICAN HISTORY, HAS CONVINCED YOU THAT THE PEOPLE WHO BUILD OUR HOMES AND FEED OUR FAMILIES ARE THE ENEMY.